Guru: Premier predictions

If you think hanging out with living friends is annoying try hanging out with famous dead people. The Guru managed to extract much in the way of information from Nostradamus during our Wednesday night drinking session but any chance of watching the match was scuppered when Nos took a swing at James Dean for “giving his bird the eye.” The subsequent brawl took out the satellite dish and that was that.

I hear it was another exciting performance from Berbs if not quite so convincing from the rest of the team in our 3-2 victory. Nonetheless a win is a win and to the quarter-finals we go. This weekend it’s back to the Premiership and a tricky tie against the Watford Bowls Club dressed up in football gear. From there we invite Chelsea’s Chav Comrades to come and see that money can’t buy you happiness or, for that matter, decent football.

The match against Watford after a winning run would have traditionally filled true fans with a feeling of foreboding. More than one winning run has been thrown away against a circus team with big red noses and oddly shaped boots. There is a difference here, just right now, and it is this: our most talented players in the side are also the most hard working and ambitious.

When Davids first joined us, when he still had an iota of talent left to go with his “I want to get into the Holland Squad” on-pitch commitment, the Spurs squad would put in a bit extra as having themselves ‘out-puffed’ by a 33-year old with dodgy hair and overly-fashionable large glasses was embarrassing. When Danny “I think Charlton’s a big club” Murphy deigned to join little Spurs I thought he was being brought in for the same reason.

Not necessary when your best attacking players put in enough effort to inspire anyone who was thinking of an easy ride into a higher gear. It is far more of a motivation to the other players to see Berbatov, Keane, Lennon, Jenas and Chimbonda’s work rate taking the fight to the opposition. Motivated quality is far more powerful than fear of embarrassment and Tainio, Zokora, Malbranque and Lee have fallen into step.

Nostradamus confirmed, sometime before James looked at his bird, that without intervention from the demons of ill health, like they did in the final game of last season (I always knew Wenger was in league with The Devil), that we should expect to go unbeaten till the end of the year. Most of them, if not all, will be wins. Even The Arse and Chelski will fail to best us.

He also says we can expect to start seeing a better defensive record and less heavy lifting work at the back of the net for our keepers before the season comes to a close. Not that any of us mind as long as we score one more but I have noticed my medical insurance now has a “do you support Tottenham Hotspur?” question in the “Are you a high risk?” section of the form.

Tottenham Pregnant Ladies side 9-0 Watford Clueless First Team Non-Footballers.

In closing a quick note of sympathy for those fans of “The Biggest Club in the World” up there in The North. They were unlucky to draw a giant like AZ Alkmaar for the last 16 and anyone, even the mighty Barcelona, would have been cowed by a team with such a list of stars and quality players. There is just no way to cope with household names like Shota Arveladze in front of a packed stadium of 17,023 in the famous metropolis of Alkmaar. On the bright side whereas you were outclassed in shots, passing and tackling you did manage to beat them in the yellow cards department. Clinging onto your roots is best, I feel.

We are so sorry not to see you in the quarter finals.